See the excerpt below from a journal of a young Indian man
Family: My father was an upright Govt officer- a low level bureaucrat. He used to work diligently in the office and used to resent people who eschew work under one pretext or other. He was well read and well-informed person. But he never appreciated me. He always used to criticize me. Whatever may be my achievement I used to get a feeling that he was not satisfied. If I got A in a subject, he will ask why not A+. He always used to say “Not failure but low aim is crime”. There was no encouragement and appreciation from him. My mother was a working woman. She was very disciplined, organized and a courageous lady. She inculcated a habit of organization and discipline in me. Probably because of work and home responsibilities she became slightly harsh and strict. Many a times I craved for that motherly warmth. …
Work: I passed Engineering degree from a decent school with flying colors. I was lucky to get placement in a prestigious company. My present boss interviewed me then and selected me. I was elated to join the organization. But after couple of years in the place I realized that this is a very competitive place. Many of my colleagues, superiors are from prestigious engineering schools such as IIT. My boss also passed out from one of the IITs. Whenever I present some new ideas, I find they are not much discussed. I also realized that couple of my ideas were sold to upper management by my boss as his. He is with all his blue-eyed boys from IITs. He takes interest in the projects given to them, discusses those projects and guides them. He helps them. I know I am technically a sound person, I can work independently, as well as in a team. But then I don’t get the recognition I deserve. Is it because I am from a vernacular background school? Is it because my English is not as polished as those boys, or am I poor in presentations? I don’t know. I wonder how come my boss selected me in the campus interview. What did he see in me? …
Love: I was in an engineering school and a branch of engineering where there was no interaction with students of fair gender. I was lucky enough that I got married. It was an arranged marriage. My wife is also an engineer four years junior to me. She is slim and tall with an oval face and wheatish complexion. The spectacles on her face make her look pretty and intelligent. She studied in an English medium school. She is competent and technically sound. She is a lecturer in an Engineering school. She has finished her masters and would like to complete Doctorate. She would like to become a professor and would like to do research. She is intelligent that I can discuss lot of things with her. I am lucky that I don’t get bored in her company. She speaks fluent English and way better than me in presentations and putting forth her view point. She would like to have a stint in US University. Sometimes secretly I feel she is far better than me. What she has seen in me. If she completes her Ph.D. and goes to America what will happen to me? I secretly feel she should remain here and take care of my family but I do not have courage to say this openly. How this is going to unfold? …
Self: I am sincere, intelligent hard-working person. I would like to deal fairly with people and I expect people should also deal fairly with me. I am punctual, disciplined and organised. I am somewhat reserved and prefer company of books to that of people. Occasionally I would like to enjoy a drink with my close friends. I feel unhappy about the injustice happening around. But I do not have time (or shall I say courage) to fight it out. I prefer conciliation than confrontation. I am aware that to progress in a corporate setup I would have to polish my language and presentation skills. I will have to become more people oriented. I hate hypocrites. ……
Money: You can earn money if you ‘work’ diligently and smartly. I am reading books on stock market investment and I am sure I can use that knowledge to increase my wealth. I am a frugal person and lucky that my wife shares some of my interests here, though she is not frugal. I believe in long term planning for money. Postponing gratification for better future is my motto……
God: I don’t know whether I believe in God. I know there is some power, energy which runs this universe. But I feel that power is indifferent to me. I am brought up in a religious household but curiously nobody has forced those ideas on me. I have been given freedom to follow my way. I read a lot about spirituality, meditation but yet to come to a firm conclusion. Most of the times these ideas are shadowed by the day-to-day struggles and challenges of living……
What we can see from above, is that a person uses many models while dealing with various facets of life. In the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao “Your life is jumble of mental models. You use them for EVERYTHING.
You have one model that tells you who to fall in love with, another that evaluates how you are doing in your job, a third that lets you know if your child is growing well, a fourth that spurs you into getting a divorce, a fifth that picks your friends and so on and so forth. You have constructed dozens of these structures over the years and collectively they rule your life. “
How true! Just pause and think over this. These models collectively construct your reality. And you name it as” your reality”. The exercise mentioned in the previous post of journaling helps you to understand your dominant mental models. In the excerpt given above, you feel a common thread running in the young mans’ narration. And it is that, he is always comparing himself, with others and seeking some external validation for himself. But that may not be obvious to him when he is living his life. So, what is the way out? Can a person change his mental models for the better?
Prof. Srikumar Rao here introduces a revolutionary idea. He says “The idea that can cause turmoil is the seemingly innocuous one that all persons perceive the world differently…..In the overwhelming majority of cases where we actively use the idea that persons have different perceptions , we are looking outward. We are examining somebody else.”
Yes, we are aware of this that persons have different perceptions. We try to understand the other party in negotiations, while dealing with our significant other, while dealing with friends, while dealing with class teacher of our child and so on. But it never occurs to us that if other persons can have different perceptions (mental models), can we adopt different mental models than we presently hold.
Again in the words of Prof. Srikumar Rao: “ It is when that we look inside that we place the detonator in the plastique. We start to see that if others can have different world views, then we ourselves, can change ours. …It tells that “ the world we live in is the one we constructed it out of bits and pieces. We made it out of our mental models and then lived by their dictates. And having done all this, we proceeded to carry on living with our lives without ever realizing that our mental models were made up merely of perceptions and not facts.”
Further Prof Rao goes on to suggest to perform a thought experiment called Alternate reality. What he advises is go back to mental model exercise and pick any one situation that is troubling you right now. Pick up that situation and the reality you feel you are facing. Examine that through many dimensions and create an alternate reality for the situation. “ It is important that You , personally be able to accept the alternate reality as you devise.”
For example, in the excerpt above, the young man can take alternate reality for his father’s behavior. His father was not praising him so that he becomes tough and can face the external world in an effective way. It was his way of showing affection to him. If the young man accepts this alternate reality and start thinking about the events, he may find solace, may feel grateful towards his father.
Or take another situation at work. He may be really good in his work that his boss never calls him for giving directions which he is doing for his other colleagues. The young man may accept this alternate reality and start acting accordingly which will help him to boost his confidence and self-esteem.
Or take another situation. You along with your family have shifted to a new apartment complex. There are two neighbors on your floor. One neighbor is a gentle lady who is open and willing to help you in the new place. She talks to you and your family members and genuinely connects with you. You have another neighbor who you find distant. The neighbor only smiles, does not respond to your hellos, or your overtures to connect with him. His wife also seems to be distant and reserved. With this you feel, that second neighbor to be reserved and may be cold or snobbish. You have made this impression, with whatever interaction you had with this neighbor. In the alternate reality exercise – you can think that this neighbor is also good, he would like to connect with you and your family but something is holding him back. He may be facing some other important challenge, that he is not able to connect with you, the way you want. Create this impression in mind and remain with it and see what happens.
The rules here in this exercise are, create an alternate reality for the situation which seems plausible and you can accept that. Once you create that reality, try to find out evidence and write it down in journal that this alternate reality is working. Don’t pick most horrendous thing that is bothering you now. It is similar to jogging or weight lifting. You don’t start jogging 20 km on first day or lift a weight of 100kg on first day. You gradually increase the distance while jogging and same with weight. Here in this thought experiment also pick up a situation which is not that complex and try this exercise and see what happens.
“ I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become” Carl Jung.